Letting Go

I had been walking on thin ice for 10 years and this time, I never fought back anymore. I let go and the icy cold water engulf me. I am drowning. I am cold. I tried to swim but my arms are getting heavier by the minute. I can feel the exhaustion taking over me. My eyelids are getting heavier too. I closed my eyes and let the current take me wherever it’s going. I have to conserve energy, I don’t know how long I can last. There, I saw a trunk of a tree floating, I hoisted myself upon it. Will this be my refuge until daylight? Will daylight ever come? Is my salvation near? I don’t know what to pray anymore. Please God if you can hear me, I am getting weaker by the second. Please save me.

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A Promise Kept

16 years had passed since I last visited you. You may wonder where I’ve been. I crossed another continent for a better future. I have been to many places and met new people. I got married and I thought I moved on. But why do when I am on a cross road, bleeding and helpless you are the first person that comes to my mind. Is it because you left us so early? Nobody is prepared to feel the sting of death even to the loved ones of a terminally ill person. In my profession, I see death at the bedside everyday. How it brought havoc as well as peace to a suffering soul. But why am I different, why does your death still brings me pain, is it because I loved you too much at such a young age? Is it because I can not let you go? How can I have closure? Do I have to burn every piece of memorabilia I have of you that I treasured for more than 20 years? Do I have to do that and break my heart into pieces all over again? I knelt before our maker to take out this thorn plenty of times, am I just stubborn or this is my lot. I am one confused person.

I wrote this poem 2 years ago, when I was in a shattered state.

For APV
20 May 2012 at 23:08

You were my September Joy
and in just a fleeting moment
became my November Rain

Giving up is easy but to stand
up and face life’s struggles
over and over again requires
a lot of courage and prayers

When i am on a cross road
and on bended knees
Your memory surfaces
from the grave where
I buried you inside my heart

Your eyes simply remind me
of how I used to love life
and my carefree laughter
With your last loving stare
I can hear you say
“Don’t give up, Live the life
we both dreamt”.

Summer 1989 seemed like it was yesterday when I first met you. With such bright eyes and a cheery smile, you were the first boy who captured my heart. September 10, 1992, you were God’s birthday gift to me but before I knew it November 14, 1992 we buried you in such a gloomy weather. That day, after they placed your gravestone, I stood in front of your grave crying and I promised you that no matter where I am I will always keep you in my heart, I will be strong and I will visit you as often as I can.

I thought not visiting you will lessen the pain and longing but I am wrong. So after 16 years here I am, I faced my biggest fear thinking I will crumble in front of your grave. But I was wrong! yes I cried especially after seeing your grave and your father’s grave. Time and life’s difficulties made me a stronger person. I was able to smile while I touch your name on your gravestone. I am a big girl now, my beloved Allison. You no longer have to worry about me. I kept my promise, I came back a stronger person this time and for loving you I can never erase that. You were a wonderful memory of my past. As I laid down the flowers on your grave, I have my closure. Farewell my love, my beloved Allison!

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Allison, my first love. Summer 1989

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March 20, 2014

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Me at Allison’s grave 03.20.2014

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With Nene Aileen, Allison’s sister

Vicious Cycle

The last 9 years I saw how depression devastated my love one, my marriage, my relationship with my in laws and most of all how it shattered myself. I was struggling to cope with no support system, my own family was across the continent. I voluntarily submitted myself for counseling, I was doing poorly at work. I sought help from my Christian friends to pray for me and one on one counseling with elders. I was diagnosed with 12 cm ovarian tumor & thank God it was benign. It added more stress to our crumbling home, then the final moment came I have to give him an ultimatum since I can no longer bear the pain. I can no longer recognize myself in the mirror. The cheerful, positive & happy person that I was, was all gone. He finally sought medical help, I thought this was our breakthrough. But I was wrong, there is no cure for depression only prevention. It will take years to decode the compensatory mechanisms he had built within himself to cope with his illness.

I should have walked away when I still had the opportunity. But I believe that things change & people change. Years had passed, it is only a vicious cycle. We are back to square one. The pain doesn’t go away, it had eaten my heart like a mouse nibbling on a piece of cheese until its gone. When will I have relief? Perhaps when I see my creator face to face. This is my lot, this is what I have to endure. I can no longer go back I’m stuck in this icy pond. The more I struggle the more the ice will break & down below doesn’t even give me a refuge. I will close my eyes today and perhaps tomorrow I will see it in another form, I pray for a better predicament.

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